HERE ARE some thoughts from a guy who always enjoys the state-by-state reports in USA Today. OK, the thoughts may be slightly convoluted about Friday’s reports:
• Flagstaff, Ariz., registered the warmest February ever with temperatures averaging around 40 degrees. Man, is that disgusting after what we’ve gone through. Is Punxsutawney Phil still alive?
• My wife hails from Rapid City, S.D., so it was interesting to read about a truck driver there who rescued a golden eagle after it was hit by two vehicles. Those eagles may be an endangered species, but they are obviously pretty darn tough.
• I know San Francisco can be a strange place to live, but I read that they are going to hold a “Kidney Swap.” Six patients will donate a kidney, while six will receive one. It failed to say if anybody really needed a new kidney. Whatever, be sure to wear some flowers in your hair.
• Lily Tomlin is performing before sold-out audiences in Burlington, Vt. Really? Sold out? How hard up are people for entertainment in Burlington? Or maybe that arena only holds 10 people.
• In Salem, Ore., a bill to regulate toxic chemicals in children’s products would pose a challenge for the paper industry. God forbid we hurt the paper industry when we can always make more kids.
• In Missoula, Mont., a man was sentenced to 20 years for shooting a man in an apparent dispute over stolen drugs. Wow, where have we read that kind of story before?
• Let’s go drink in Augusta, Maine. A bill there requires bars that advertise pint beers must serve the beverage in 16-ounce glasses. What? Is there any other size for a pint?
• Let’s try this in Mercer County: In Providence, R.I., bake sales will be allowed at polling places on Election Day. Sounds good. Maybe we could get more people to turn out to vote if there were cookies available. And then maybe we could hold Chinese auctions because those definitely draw people.
LYNN SATERNOW of The Herald writes this column each Saturday for the Opinion Page. He can be reached at email@example.com.